my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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