My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
