Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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