It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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