I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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