I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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