i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
