theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
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great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
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all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.