She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
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I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
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Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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