So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
