No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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