On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Randomize
