Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
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hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
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The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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