1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
