a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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