I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
