I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
