just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
