You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
