It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
