i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
