I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
