What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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