this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
