everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
