He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize