I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
