Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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