Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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