Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
