I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
