Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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