drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Well I just put wine in my tea
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
