Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
