i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
