New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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