I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
