I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
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you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
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I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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