Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
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He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
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"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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