My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
