Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
