a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
