Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
