you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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