I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
If I die, sorry about rent.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
