We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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