I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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