I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
