If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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