i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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