i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
