Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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