yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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