I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
