Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.