i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear