I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
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In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
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Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
he had hair everywhere except his balls