Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole