I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
My pussy is not your playground.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
